Wednesday, October 30, 2002

yeah ok so i just hate everyone and me! im so sick ah i want to die! but yeah friends? what friends? my "friends" are mostly all retarded and they arent true freinds. Alex.......wow. So i asked her to go to this kid, ian, his show on friday with me. Hes playing in darien, i know him from crew. anyways so she says well im haning out with molly. Molly, who we also know from crew, who is supposedly a mutual friend. I guess not, since i wasnt included, whatever that was fine, but BEFORE that i had talked to stacey, who is mollys best friend. Stacey asked me to hang out with molly and alex and some other people on frieday, and i told her maybe, maybe not since i told ian i would go to his show. SO yeah, alex blatantly didnt invite me, even though i was invited! she never said oh yeah you were invited too, of course not, because she wants more attention and more love from molly to herself and hates it when molly talks to me. FUCKED up i know! and britt....dear lord. SHe so wants chris who i wanted, so yeah there goes she and he. i hope they have fun together.

"I hope you choke and die!!!!!" brand new

Thursday, October 17, 2002

OH MY GOD ok so yeah i read some online diaries of some friends, and some not friends but people i know. So through them all i can figure stuff about my other friends. So yeah, this one girl has a diary, who goes to my church, and so i was reading hers and she said she got ina fight with the matt and hten i looked at his page, where he writes songs, and he wrote one about her! So yeah and then i was looking at this other matt's page and he said that matt came home today!! Alex toldl me her sis was comin home today and that matt was comin home tomorrow, so thats weird. but yeah, so in his diary TWICE he mentions how cool alex is. Its kinda weird, i guess because i have a microcrush on the guy, even though i dont know him at all, but hes hilarious and awesome and, yeah...i just feel SO left out at church functions, because alex knows all them and they all love her and im just there like Hi accept me! i feel so dumb. I messed things up with the other matt because now im like afraid to talk to him but of course everyone else does, and he was like my one good friend there, so now i feel even more dumb! and i love how he told me that he was gonna be home this weekend.....before he was all like oh yeah drive me blah blah so whatever im kinda pissed about that. i guess i just like attention from guys, and right now i have zero. I mean there is this kid whos a freshman, named jordan, whos cool and ive been talking to randomly and i kinda liked him but thats just dumb boredom basically, since he slike two years younger!! and theres a kid in my culinary class who is cool whos from argentina who i wanna get to know, but yeah, basically no guy interests. i was hoping i would see matt and by some miracle he would call me and want to hang out, but of course he wont. SInce you know he hasnt even fucking told me hes home!!! So yeah, boys suck. Girls suck too. i mean i love alex and everything but for some reason i dont want her to know matt said that stuff about her in his diary...not like she would get a big head about it but shell be like HA you liked him and he likes me!!!! she would never say anything like that but i know shell be thinking it, and it woiuld be like a silent competition, and that just sucks. SHe always thinks i get the guys, which i dont, so recently she was like yeah all guys want you and i was like oooooh my gosh you could not be farther from the truth!!!!! So i know she would gloat. but yeah, basically i feel so out of it. but only from church, so i guess i can kinda avoid that. but ill be at church on sunday so yeah...itll be interesting. Cuz by then matt will be leaving and hell be like oh whoops didnt get to see you this time either, silly me....which is BS as usual!!!!! that kid seems so genuine but hes SOOOO full of BS!!!!!! I HATE BS

Monday, October 07, 2002

HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
Im sick of artificial bullshit
My friend alex talked to this other girl, named allison, and was like yeah im so sick of school i just want to go out and get drunk one night. So allison is all like oo me too!!! So they made all these plans and alex told her "other best friends " (she says that me, this girl mere, and this girl amanda are her best friends) about it and she invited them to come. SO then i find out like two days ago because she kinda blurted it out by accident, i was like way to tell me!! SHe was like well i know you dont like that stuff and youre a new christian so i didnt want to tell you. i wasl ike well psh i just feel so left out and she was all apologetic but she never invited me. then today i talked to allison and sh ewas like yeah come even if you dont wanna drink an di was like ok so then i talked to alex and i was like yeah so i talked to allison, and she said i could come but i told her i wasnt invited. and alex said well i didnt think you wanted to come and i just didnt say anything and she STILL didnt invite me, so i dont know what to do about that. And im staying with her for a few days, and i feel so in the way.......she never helps me out by telling me how to do stuff to fit the scheduale, cuz every family is different, you know? She came down to georgia with me this summer and i helped her out by telling her like what we ususaly do at night or when my parents go to to bed so we dont be annoying or where the plates are and stuff, but she doesnt at all!! its so frustrating, i feel like such a pain in the ass! i cant wait to go back home so im not so in the way!

Monday, September 23, 2002

alrighty, so the kid matt came home from college this past weekend, unbeknownst to me, because i thought he was coming home this coming weekend!!! So i got to core, looking crappy after coming home from being in pennsylvania all weekend, and i find my buddy alex and she was like oh your lover is here! (in a very joking way) so i thought she meant this kid james who is really annoying. So then i was just singing along and wahtever and i look around and i see matt! i was like holy shit! So then afterwards, in a room there they set up food and stuff, called the coffeehouse, so i went in and he came in later and alex, my friend wanted to go say hi to him so i just kinda stood around, then i felt like a retard so i kinda stood with her and this other girl who were talking to him, and then i went to throw out my cup, and came back and kinda touched his arm and he turned around and i just waved and started to walk away cuz i had to go...i was getting a ride with alex and she was already leaving, so he asked if i was going and i said yeah and he smiled so i guess its all good...now hes talkin to me online, and hes being really nice....he was weird before!!! he didnt talk to me for like a week or two and so i talked to him once and he was kinda rude so yeah....oh well.

Sunday, September 08, 2002

Life Makes No Sense by the Ataris
"Everything is turning grey, but i wont hold my breath today. Cause im not scared and to tell the truth i just dont care. Are you looking for an answer? When you still dont know the question. It's like lighting candles in the rain - sometimes life can be a pain, but dont give up without a fight. Sometimes when you feel afraid, dont give up and run away. Cause two wrongs dont make a right. Whats the point in crying, when youve done nothing wrong. It was right there all along. The worlds nothing but a lie and everyone is going to die. But what can i say? Just help me make it through today. You dont need a destination, just to go somewhere in life. Its like throwing feathers at the wind - they come right back to you again. So why not give it one more try? Just cause things arent what they seem , it doesnt mean you should dream just dont get your hopes too high. Cause when things dont turn out right, your world comes crashing down."
I just realized that this summer ive learned a lot about myself, some of which i dont really like but im gonna work on changing it. Im a control freak who wants to be aware of everything going on, and i pass it along too, so im a gossip :( its kinda nice to know that now, i understand more of why i do certain things certain ways. I also hardly ever act on instinct, i hafta think things through and usually follow my brain, rather than my heart. Thats the majority, but i do plenty of the other way around too. later!

Friday, September 06, 2002

This is my blog of complete honesty that none of my friends or anyone i know personally knows about. In my other blog, giventhechance.blogspot.com, is known by some of my friends and family, so i cannot be totally honest, for fear i may hurt someones feelings. In fact, i already did - my sister! she read something i wrote that was really mean, but i didnt know she was gonna be reading it, so yeah.... that sucked. So anyone reading this now has no idea who i am or anything, which rules, because now i can say anything i want. First of all, my parents are being SO annoying!!! Strike that, my MOM is being so annoying...my dads not a problem usually. My mom is so selfish, not on purpose, but she just will not give in to anything that is not her way and her way only. She refuses to take me anywhere that is out of her way, which is so ridiculous, because of course everything is out of her way!! I cant wait til i get my license, which is only 2 weeks from today!! eek!! im so excited, but petrified. My other friends have their licenses already, because their bdays were before mine, so im like stuck until i get mine. This guy, matt, is also bothering me. I told him i liked him and he said he liked me too...then he goes off to college and we never brought it up again!! Its so weird, i havent seen him since then, so i dont know how hell act around me. Hes coming home soon, for a weekend, but im gonna be away that weekend, so that blows. But hell probly be at core, which is a church service at the church i go to in a town north of me. He lives there, right by the church, and all his friends are from the church because he went to a private school an hour away, so his best freinds are from church, so why wouldnt he go? yeah, so i really want to go of course, but my mom is doing her stupid selfish thing and wont let us come home early enough on sunday night to go!! iwas like wow i HATE you, its CHURCH, i got every single sunday, it means a lot to me, especially now because matt will be there, but i havent missed one yet since ive been going to this church and i really dont want to start now. Plus ill have school the next day, and core is at 7, so how much later can we get home?! i have to do homework that weekend too, life doesnt just stop to go on trips to see grandparents. UUGGGGH i want to smack her! anyway, i hafta read more stupid summer reading so ill write later.
"And i can be the one to show you that lifes not simple enough, and i can be the one to tell you that ive held this back for too long...and my heart aches...how can i stop the pain??"
NFG